Anyway, it got me to thinking about my old single days. You know, the ones where I used to get dressed up, go out, and scope out the hawties at the local watering hole.
|Thank Gawd I got married|
While waxing nostalgic about the old hoochie mama days, my reverie was interrupted by the memories of those bad pick-up experiences I had.
You know what I'm talking about. We've all had them.
So I decided to share my toppers:
Family Units & Those With Sensitive Constitutions.
Some of this material is a little X-Rated.
Don't say I didn't warn you!!!
"I could marry a girl like you. Will you come meet my parents?"
Random Loser: "I like your flaxen hair"
Me: "Dude.Flaxen means blonde"
(my hair was brown)
"What's your sign? I'll show you my sign"
Then he made the L-Hand "Loser" Sign.
"You know that Dave Matthews song? 'Tonight Let's Be Lovers. Tomorrow Let's Go Back to Being Friiiieeeends.' I think we should be like Dave tonight.
(Then he proceeded to sing. With his eyes closed.)
A guy at a bar took off his socks,
put them on his hands,
and did a puppet show for me.
"I like your nostrils. They remind me of my aunt."
"I used to be a stripper. Let me show you my stripper dance."
"The sound of the air conditioner blowing on the blinds reminds me of a fireplace crackling.
Isn't it romantic?"
(Insert vomit face from me)
(Dad- Don't read this one. I MEAN IT!)
"Have you ever had 9 inches in you?"
NUMBER 1 WORST PICK-UP
(Dad- Seriously, Unless you want to put Lysol in your eyeballs.
"I could masturbate while thinking about you.
I might even try it tonight."
Damn. It makes me happy to be all tucked away in my happy, smug marriage.
So, let's hear it people.
Worst pick-ups you ever experienced?
Pull up a chair and share your dirt!