Undateable

Have you seen this show on VH1? It is magic.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my old single days. You know, the ones where I used to get dressed up, go out, and scope out the hawties at the local watering hole.

Thank Gawd I got married

While waxing nostalgic about the old hoochie mama days, my reverie was interrupted by the memories of those bad pick-up experiences I had.

You know what I'm talking about. We've all had them. 

So I decided to share my toppers:

WARNING!!! 

Family Units & Those With Sensitive Constitutions. 

Some of this material is a little X-Rated. 

Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

NUMBER 10

"I could marry a girl like you. Will you come meet my parents?"

  

NUMBER 9

Random Loser: "I like your flaxen hair"  

Me: "Dude.Flaxen means blonde" 

(my hair was brown)

NUMBER 8

"What's your sign? I'll show you my sign" 

Then he made the L-Hand "Loser" Sign. 

Backwards.

NUMBER 7

"You know that Dave Matthews song? 'Tonight Let's Be Lovers. Tomorrow Let's Go Back to Being Friiiieeeends.'  I think we should be like Dave tonight.

(Then he proceeded to sing. With his eyes closed.)

 NUMBER 6

A guy at a bar took off his socks,

put them on his hands, 

and did a puppet show for me.  

Ew.

NUMBER 5

"I like your nostrils. They remind me of my aunt."

NUMBER 4

"I used to be a stripper. Let me show you my stripper dance."

NUMBER 3

"The sound of the air conditioner blowing on the blinds reminds me of a fireplace crackling. 

Isn't it romantic?"

 (Insert vomit face from me)

NUMBER 2

(Dad- Don't read this one. I MEAN IT!)

"Have you ever had 9 inches in you?"

AND FINALLY

NUMBER 1 WORST PICK-UP 

(Dad- Seriously, Unless you want to put Lysol in your eyeballs. 

STOP READING)

 "I could masturbate while thinking about you. 

I might even try it tonight."

Damn. It makes me happy to be all tucked away in my happy, smug marriage. 

So, let's hear it people. 

Worst pick-ups you ever experienced? 

Pull up a chair and share your dirt!

Because Life Is Just That Funny

...when you're not pooping gimundo turds (Thank you solid foods)

Stands With a Fist

So, Cassidy JUST started crawling. And when I say "just," I mean, like a week ago.

Meaning, that mentally, I'm still processing the fact that I have a baby who crawls.

And puts her hand in the dog's water bowl.

And grabs every power cord in site to chew on- (SERIOUSLY?)

But Cassidy doesn't ask permission to grow up. And she sure as Hell doesn't check in with her mama's feelings. Although a nice little, "Mama, Can you handle THIS?!" might be nice once in a while.  And that Little Miss was pretty sure that once conquered, crawling was SO 5 days ago.

On to Standing!

And of course, standing & grunting go together like peanut butter & jelly.

Cassidy has started pulling herself up on every thing- couches, toy tables, chairs, people's legs, and she likes to crawl behind our nanny, grab a fistful of shirt, and pull herself up.

I hate to say "I told you so," but dang if I didn't call this gal's personality in utero. When she was kicking the ever living piss out of my belly, I had a feeling we were going to be in for it...

We're Better Than These Guys

So now that Brendan and I have been married 3 years and 5 days, we officially are better than the following couples:

JENNIFER GARNER & SCOTT FOLEY

"Felicity" fans? Anyone? God, I loved that show.

Ben or

Noel?

or Ben?

I could never decide...

PAMELA ANDERSON & TOMMY LEE

Because...well, ew...

PAMELA ANDERSON & TOMMY LEE

Because she's just that good, she makes the list twice!

Nothing says "True Love" like a little tongue.

My eyes! My eyes!

FRANK SINATRA & MIA FARROW

Because even classy people make mistakes...

LAUREN HOLLY & JIM CARREY

Remember when Jimbo was "That Guy"?

And whatever happened to this Lauren Girl?

I guess when "Dumb & Dumber" is the peak of your career, life is a tragic ride

LIZA MINNELLI & DAVID GEST

Because one assault on your eyeballs in a blog post just isn't enough..

You know, after reviewing this list, I don't feel so smug anymore.

Mealtime... That Is, If You Don't Vomit From Cute Overload

Queen of Procrastination

Oh yes, I am an expert at all things procrastination. Behold, an itemized list of things I've done instead of what I SHOULD be doing - working on my homework (ahem- write a report due tomorrow).

1.  Made coffee

2.  Made bottles

3.  Organized baby clothes

4.  Perused Facebook

5. Looked into adding tabs to my blog

6.  Perused blogs

7.  Shopped for clothes at JCrew (Hello? Sale!)

8.  Shopped for a new diaper bag

9.  Watched TV

10. Picked up dog poop (Oh yes, desperation is my middle name)

11. Calculated the nutritional cost of the calorie bender I went on the past 2 days

12. Talked to people on the phone

13. Sold a patio table on Craigslist

14. And I made you this amazing picture of me as the Queen of Procrastination.

The Queen enlists one of her minions to assist in shirking responsibilities

Apparently, I REALLY don't want to write this sucker...Sigh...

Ode to My Husband

Things I tried to put together:

A limerick to honor our love. Fail.

A spelling poem doo-hicky. You know- where I put words for every letter to your name. Like "B is for Body Odor." - Fail.

A whole letter outlining how much you've changed my life over the last 5 years and how happy you make me- Fail.

A photo montage dedicated to our love. SUCCESS!

To B- I love you more than photo montages can say. 

Thank you for greeting me at the end of an aisle 3 years ago.

I am the luckiest.

Life's Tough, Get a Helmet

Today was Helmet Day.

 

So far...

So Good

Yes. That's a Broncos Sticker. Courtesy of Dad.

 

He was only subjected to the helmetty goodness for 2 hours this evening. We'll slowly work him up to 23. 

23!!!

Oh, the humanity....

Road Warriors

I've mentioned my dad on here before. He's a pretty swell guy and a pretty kick ass grandpa. Behold, the awesomeness of this newly minted grandpa:

He was actually my primary caregiver for a few of my formative years while Mom (who is a pretty great grandma, too!) went back to school.  Quick shout out to the newly minted Grandma:

So, my Dad fancies himself a little like Lance Armstrong. Except that he was doing the long-distance bicycle rides around the time that Sheryl Crow's, Kate Hudson's, Ashley Olsen's boyfriend  Lance Man was getting his training wheels taken off.  Last summer Daddio and his BFF, Joe, were awesomely bad ass and rode their bikes from Alabama to Canada.

You heard me right.

Alabama

to

Canada

(being Awesome comes with a side of Crazy, yes?)

This summer Dad, BFF "Uncle" Joe, and newly converted sidekick, Guy, did a "small" trip from Denver to Omaha.  So, we had the pleasure of shacking up a few hardcore grandpas in our digs about a week ago.  The nervous energy from these 3 the morning of their departure was infectious. I was ready to grab a bike and tag along... almost. (Come on, y'all! You know I'm a pansy!)

And then butt paste and maps in hand, they bid us farewell took off into the great corny yonder!* (My camera died so we lost out on the picture of them riding into the sunrise... oh well)

Next year? These guys will be taking Quebec by storm! Eat your heart out Lancey Boy...

* If you have ever driven between Denver & Omaha you will know there is not much to see but corn. And Jimmy. You know- Jimmy Crack Corn. Stay with me here, people.

Moving Targets

So I did our 8 Month photo shoot the other day. And woooeeee, I could sure use a baby wrangler.

This little oversight has been duly noted for our upcoming 9 Month shoot.  Baby Wrangler (ie- Brendan) will be in tow! Especially since the babies are starting to attempt to suicide themselves off the couches these days. Thus, we have started to feed them on the floor.

For the record, this was the first picture I took.

Alternate Universes

About a week ago Brendan came to me with a suggestion. The conversation went a little like this:

Brendan: I have an idea. You're going to hate it.
Me:  Make sure it's good. I talk with my fists.
Brendan: I think we should get a housekeeper to come clean our house.
Me:  Ummm......??? You thought I would hate that idea?
Brendan: Well, the other times I brought it up, you said no.
Me:  ??????  ::: Baffled:::::

BECAUSE....REWIND 8 MONTHS....

Me: I think we should bring in a housekeeper to clean out house.
Brendan: NO WAY
Me: But....Wait...
Brendan: NO
Me: But....
Brendan: LA, LA, LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU

AND, REWIND 4 MONTHS....

Me: I think we should bring in a housekeeper to clean out house.
Brendan: NOPE
Me: But....Wait...
Brendan: Are strawberries in season?
Me: I love strawberries!

AND, 2 MONTHS AGO....

Me: I think we should bring in a housekeeper to clean out house.
Brendan: NOT HAPPENING
Me: But....Wait...
Brendan: Dirt is good. Germs are good. So if x squared multiplied by the root of pi equals clean, then getting a housekeeper equals burning books, worshiping Satan, and wearing white after labor day
Me: Well, you can't argue with that logic

It's amazing the tricks time plays on your memory. But however he remembers it, I was right. And he is crazy.

Happy Faces & Sunglasses

Damn, I love cute happy smiling baby faces. I love them even when they follow a massive poop or vomit explosion (often on my shirt).

And, for the record, I now totally get why moms don't spend much on their clothes. What for? Chances are you have baby body fluids on your person. I admit that there have been a few times I've been sitting at my desk and have wondered about the source of a mystery milky stank only to discover it's coming from my wardrobe. Sigh...

What you can't tell is that she's actually thinking about how to rip these sunglasses off her face.

I'm Going to Eat Your FACE!

Your face looks delicious! RAWR!

Did you say I could eat your face?

Big Pimpin

When your Mary Kay rep swears that carrot is the "next big thing," 

it's a lie.