Exorcist House

It's fitting that Halloween is coming up since we're all Exorcist up in here.

Name a body fluid. Any body fluid. It's pretty much flowing in the hiz-ouse.

(Except semen... Sickos)

Potty Training- It's a river of urine and fecal dreams.

The Denver Flu- Vomit and rhea. Check and gag.

Dehydration and an Arid Mountain Climate- Hello epic nosebleed.

Y'all, I have washed toddler sheets almost daily for the past week. Over. It.

Send rags and Clorox. Kthanx.

Where I'm From

On a week like this one, where the tiny challenges are crippling.  Where the minutiae threatens my grasp on keeping it together. Well, what can I do but blog a poem that grounds me.

And since I'm not organically poetic, this is taken from an oldy but goody. I highly recommend you do one yourself when you're feeling a little (or a lot) out of control. And share? Pretty please?


I am from library books with plastic covers, from Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and broken crayons in a box.

I am from the space under my father's desk. Dark, cozy, his brown shoes touching my knees. The typewriter clacking.   

I am from the raspberry bush, the cornfield, the Kansas sunflower, the big heartland sky.

I am from four candles- pink and purple, off-key anthems, and philosophical lectures. From Rick and Rene and a little "R and R."

I am from fit of passion outbursts and hugs of apology. 

From "Now I lay me down to sleep" and "Be nice to your brother."

I am from the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart. 
(Where?)
From crosses and campfires and thumbs up, seven up. 

I'm from a small town and closed adoptions and deep in the heart of Texas.
Frozen cranberry sauce and potlucks with jello salad. 
 
From the tumbled car on a Texas road, the chip on a king's cabinet, the rolled up newspaper in Grandpa's hand. 

I am from the little drawer on a shelf, spilling birthday cards and newspaper clippings and notes from Cookie Grandma. From scribbled diaries and a box of mix tapes. I am from all these. And more. 
 

More Parenting Like a Rockstar

Because I have so much parenting skill in my pinky finger, I thought I would repeat a theme from a couple weeks ago-

Parenting like a rockstar


Since the kids have enrolled in Daycare and we said a solemn farewell to our nannies, our mornings are a little more hectic. Getting dressed, brushing teeth, packing bottles, and then herding everyone out to the car.  It can get a little messy.

And now the twins are into "helping" - sigh - which really slows things down.

Like the other day when Finn insisted on carrying the car keys. I was like, "Whatever. Carry the car keys. I don't care. What could go wrong?"

Except that a few minutes later- purse, baby, and twins loaded into the car- I heard a familiar "click." Finn had just locked the car. From the inside.

What followed was me tapping on the window, pointing frantically to the keys and the "unlock" button, and saying, "Push the button!" over and over as the local homeless man walked by our garage and gave me the side-eye.

Bridget was crying.

Cassidy was laughing.

Finn was pushing his face against the window and making faces at me.

I thought about calling Brendan for about 5 seconds before I remembered my purse was in the car. My phone? It was inside of it.

I finally coached Finn into the front seat where there were more unlock buttons available. Miraculously, his love for pushing buttons worked in my favor and he managed to unlock the car. He never hit the panic button on my keys. Thank goodness. Although "Panic Button" was pretty fitting for my emotional state.

All was well. Until their day care teacher pointed out I was wearing 2 different shoes.

A cute face does not a designated key holder make

It's like a penis pump for your nose

Anyone who has kids or is around kids or walks by kids or has heard of kids knows they are gross.

They poop and pee and puke.

They put everything in their mouths (like yesterday when Cassidy was caught licking the bottom of my shoe- wtf).

Aaaand- they have nasal drip issues.  Boogers and snot, oh my.  And when the snot isn't being wiped on my pant leg, it's making my children sound like little Darth Vadery types.

Since kids are not so good at blowing their noses, you usually have one of those blue bulby nose suckers that looks like it could baste your turkey in its off hours.

The blue bulby nose sucker? Sucks. (In that it doesn't suck and that just sucks- I'm like a riddler, yes?)

And after reading a facebook friend's rave review, I eagerly hopped online and ordered one of these suckers:*

I couldn't wait for it to arrive. Like a kid waiting for Christmas, I counted down the days. I would exclaim, "Only 2 more days until Nose Frida comes!" to my husband and kids.

Nobody really responded. I don't know why.

And then it came! In its super-sized Amazon box (why oh why do they do this?). I pulled it out and was about to break into a  happy dance. Nose Frida! Nose Frida!

You stick it in your kid's nostril and suuuuuck the snot out. With your mouth! Genius!

But after closer examination, I realized it looks a lot like a pump. For your penis. Huh.

My friends, this little penis pump snot sucker works like woah.

And the kids actually like it. I caught Cassidy trying to shnocker snot and boogs out of Finn's nose with it last night.  Which is probably not safe, now that I think about it. And neither is using it on your nethers, people. Always follow directions. Safety first, you know.



* In case you were wondering, Nose Frida did not endorse this blog post. They don't know I exist.

** Thanks to Austin Powers, I know what a penis pump looks like. I actually have no personal experience with one. I also don't have a penis. And now I've said penis so many times in this post that porn-searchers are going to land on this page and be super disappointed.

*** Seriously, you shouldn't use this on your nethers. If you end up in the ER and blame me, that's on you Dude.

Decisions! Decisions!

For my anniversary gift, my husband got me a new camera bag! Yay!

Only, he didn't really get it for me. He was more like, "I don't want to buy you the wrong one, so you get to pick a camera bag."  (smart man)

Only NOW the heat is on. I have to choose one.  And I want it to be in my grubby little hands by next Friday because I'm going on this clickin walk deal and hello? One must be fashionable when one is being a poser!

So, now I've narrowed it down to these 3 that are in stock at Porteen Gear (aka- etsy camera bag supplier of my heart).

And because decisions like these are life-altering in their importance, I can't do it alone.

Interwebs, you MUST help me! Which one should I get?

Also, if you want to hang out and be a poser with me, sign up for the Denver clickin walk.

A Husband- I Gots One

5 years, y'all.  It's been 5 years since I donned a white dress and committed myself to the best man I know.

You know, this guy (the one who keeps knocking me up):

Surrounded by friends and family, we made promises to each other.

It doesn't matter what life offers (twins, diaper-eating dogs, job changes) - having him by my side as a teammate and partner makes it all worth living.

Happy 5th wedding anniversary to you, Brendan, the love of my life. This was the best damn walk of my life, hands down.

*These photos were taken by the amazing Jenna Walker. Don't steal em.

Fall: It's A-Comin

It's almost fall y'all

(Do you like how I did that? I can get all Dr. Suessical in here)

For a week, I've been waking up to crispy morning air.

The sun makes its a appearance a little later every day.

My 8pm run has gotten moved up in the day because it's dark at 8pm and you know what that means- raping and pillaging and other nefarious acts toward lone female runners (I've seen scary movies, you know).

This morning I had to break out long-sleeved shirts and pants for the kids.

I love fall. I love sweaters and scarfs. I love golden Aspen leaves.

You know what I love the most?

PUMPKIN

(and here's where I get all Bubba-Gump on you)

Pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pie, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin cake, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin bread....

I'm going to need a new pinterest board just for all things pumpkin because I love it so damn much.

If you know of a magic pumpkin recipe, you must send it to me. Like yesterday.

Cassidy loves pumpkin too obv.

 What's your favorite thing about fall?

Top 5 Tips For Upgrading Your Camera

I get a lot of questions about what kind of camera I have.*

(Answer: Nikon D5000- which they don't even make anymore. Now it's the Nikon D5100...I think)

If you're looking to step up your photos, yay for you! Photos are an amazing way of capturing your life.

Now if you're serious about upgrading, I have some tips for you.

Take notes. Cause I'm smart.

1. Nikon vs. Canon- Not since Team Jacob vs. Edward, has there been such a serious debate. I can't speak to the other brands of DSLRs, but you'll be in good hands with either Canon or Nikon. So how do you choose?

Go to a camera store and hold the cameras. People tend to feel a connection to one body type over another. A good friend of mine always shot with Canons and was gifted with a really nice Nikon. She said it just felt "wrong" in her hands and she never used it. So go fondle yourself some cameras. Just don't be pervy about it.

2. Kit lenses can be terrible. A kit lens is the lens that may come with your camera as part of a package. Kit lenses are okay. I've *heard* the kit lenses for Nikons are superior to the ones for Canon.  Some photography enthusiasts will say to save your money and skip the kit lens. I used mine for a year before I upgraded.

If you're going to take mostly portraits, a 50mm/1.4 lens is what I use. I haven't taken it off my camera for the past 15 months. Just sayin.


3. Don't buy a DSLR unless you're going to learn how to use it. Upgrading your camera, you'll definitely notice a bump in the quality of your pictures. BUT if you're just going to stick it on Auto Mode and call it a day, you could have saved your money by purchasing a nice point-and-shoot

Auto mode kind of stinks. You are trusting your camera to make all the decisions for you. And your camera might be smart, but it's not THAT smart. Look at taking a class or joining an online forum. Make the leap and start shooting on manual. You won't regret it.

4. Try some editing software. Even once you learn how to use your camera, you might want to edit your photos. Things like cropping, changing to black & white, or reducing the noise (grain) in your photos can open up some great possibilities in your photography.

But editing software can be pricey. I recommend going to Adobe and taking advantage of their 30 day free trials. I used all 3 for 30 days each and settled on Adobe Lightroom. I found it to be the most intuitive.

5. For the love of all that is holy, don't open a business. I get it. It's your dream to be a photographer. I'm pooping on your dream. I get it. If it's your dream, do it right.

A lot of people buy a DSLR, take it out of the box, and decide they can start charging people for pictures. Hey, who am I to spit on your dream of opening a photography biz? I'm saying, get good (REALLY, REALLY GOOD) before you decide to start a business.

And if you want a good laugh, visit this site to see why you should listen to #5.

Nothing illustrates what I'm talking about like pictures. Enjoy.

I took this picture with my old Point And Shoot on Auto mode with a flash. Yikes.

I took this with my Nikon DSLR the first month I had it. It's on Auto. Meh.

This was taken soon after I started shooting in Manual mode. So much better!

Manual mode with my brand new 50mm lens. It hasn't left my camera since. Yay!!!

And this was taken this past weekend.

One extra tip: A new camera, and a new lens in particular, can be a big investment. Check out local rental resources if you're not ready to commit!

Happy camera hunting and picture taking!

* Y'all, I do not profess to be a photography expert. Don't hate.

Hot Diggity Dog! Labor Day- Without Hot Dogs

My very busy and important husband had a looming deadline.  Like a chomping shark kind of deadline that makes people stabby and horrible to be around.

(Except, you know, if he's reading this, my husband is never stabby and is always a peach to be around. *cough*)

This deadline fell smack dab on yesterday morning.  And y'all know what that means.

He had to work through the weekend.

Which meant I was on baby and toddler-wrangling duty.

We don't need no stinkin cook outs.

Basically, I spent the weekend trying to keep the toddlers from trying to murder each other and not pull my hair out.  It was all very glamorous.

How did you spend your holiday weekend?

Hope your labor day was less laborious and full of more hot dogs than ours!